Dr. Anthony “Satan’s Little Helper” Fauci spoke out Wednesday against his growing legion of critics, saying that an attack on him is really an attack on science.

“A lot of what you’re seeing as attacks on me, quite frankly, are attacks on science,” whined the man who helped bankroll the pandemic, “because all of the things that I have spoken about consistently from the very beginning have been fundamentally based on science.”

(We pause in our commentary to express our hopes that the word “fundamentally” will fully recover from being savagely pummeled beyond recognition.)

“People want to fire me or put me in jail for what I’ve done,” Fauci said accurately, until adding, “namely, follow the science.”

Which makes us think that he’s a little unclear on the whole concept of “following”…

And speaking of things that are hard to follow, we’re feeling confused about two seemingly conflicting statements recently issued by the Biden administration. His ironically named intelligence agencies recently declared that the greatest threat to our nation is posed by White Supremacists, assuming that any can eventually be found. Yet Biden himself declared that the greatest threat to our nation (and the world!) comes from climate change.

Hopefully, some good old-fashioned investigative journalism can help sort out this contradiction soon…